Internal Struggles

Abstract

My parents were born and raised in a religious close-knit village. Everyone knows each other. People often cross paths with each other down the roads, maybe at el centro, the market, etc. It's a small village. Family, being a good civilian and especially religion is always important there. Everyone tries to maintain a squeaky clean image. I was born in NY. Here in the States it's completely different now. I grew up with the same teachings as my parents. Times have changed here. Over the years, I've been exposed to many cultures, and it made me question what I've learned with my parents. I grew up and my morals started to become different from my parents. As a result of this, this is why we often clash. I had to follow certain rules based on my parents' teachings and the teachings of my religion. My interests always had a conflict with my religion. I couldn't show or even express them without being criticized. Having to act like a certain way was very tough growing up. It felt wrong. I always had eyes on me to see if you need immediate correction. If it wasn't my parents then it was my other relatives. Honestly it felt like more and more rocks were added to my shoulders. I had to think twice on what I said, what I did, and how I presented myself. It only made me afraid and more reserved. During my childhood, I had to act a certain way. It was the only way to please my parents and the surrounding ones, being someone that I'm not. Putting aside my emotions, thoughts, and myself was very brutal. Having it stored all these in an empty room inside me is something so suffocating. For years, I had so many conflicts with myself, this growing tension. The continuous internal conflicts. I felt like this persona that I adopted was completely taking over me and being me. I was completely losing myself. I'm tired of hiding all these thoughts, feelings, and hiding who I am. Not only that, but I want to feel comfortable saying my sexuality in front of my parents and relatives. My interest in tattoos and piercings. I want to talk about my true feelings about the church, calling out the hypocrites in my family, letting my voice be free. I'm tired of always thinking that I'm such a sinner. I'm no sinner. I no longer want to be that way. Live that way. It makes me ache so much. These written and unwritten rules must be dismantled.